Concerning last night.

Well, I wrote, incredibly briefly, about how my temper has been concerning me recently. I';ve been losing my temper at too much, at nothing, and not at things I should. Just getting angry. Later last night/this morning, depending on how you view 2/3am, things got a little weird.

I'd gotten myself into bed, had my 'Easy Stuff' list playing on the computer as on the whole it helps me sleep, actually thinking of that I do need to make some alterations to that list. My temper hadn't cooled, and wasn't showing any signs of doing so, in fact I was getting more wound up, and moving into my 'I really want to smash things' stage. I started crying out to God, and to Jesus, just crying for them to do something because I had no idea what was going on, no idea why I was so angry, no idea what I was angry with. I was just burning with a rage. I thrashed about a bit, hit wall a few times, neither helped. I wanted to scream, but Tom was sleeping, and it isn't fair that he suffers on my account.

I started to panic as recognition hit me, I was repeating the early stages of my breakdown York. I cried out all the more intensely begging, pleading, for God to not let me mad again, to just give me sleep. I had to keep my hands away from me as I had gained a suspicious grip on my hair and didn't want to start pulling any out. Okay, so this stuff isn't particularly new for me, and in a respect neither is this next part. This is the weird stuff mentioned earlier.

I've alwasy believed that I harbour demons in my spirit because of some unsavoury behaviour in times past, and have in truth been face to face with such a demon before, once again during my vulnerability in York, and I believe that last night I was confronted with another. A shadow crossed my room, in human form, featureless, but vaguely human in shape, and stood watching me, moving and watching, always watching. I became depserate, feeling abandoned by God, feeling terrified. I just kept crying out, even in my hopelessness, and to my shame it wasn't because I believed it would work, it was because I didn't feel there was anything else to do. The shadow melted but I didn't feel anything, and I was still scared.

I don't remember much after that, I was just crying just wanting to sleep. I remember my eyes getting heavy as all the emotion just wore me out, and I think I slept as I woke up this morning. Thus I sit here writing on last night, and the music I've chosen to play just feels like I'm rubbing salt in my wounds as I want so desperately to feel like I did, knowing without a shadow that God is there for me, but I can't convince myself that I do. I want to be able to believe I can get through this course, that I won't let everyone who is counting on me down, but once again I can't convince myself that. Last night was a little too real, a little too close home.

I feel like I'm losing myself again. I feel as though those demons are still there waiting. I feel useless. I feel as though I'm losing my faith, and it bloody hurts.

I don't know where this is going anymore.
Laters.