Other than the social elements of having a very few people I consider friends I can’t think of anything I actually enjoy about this course. I can’t think of any reason why I’m doing this apart from to get a degree which over and over again I get told I need to have. All I seem to get from this is pain, no sense of fulfilment, and a whole lot of anger and frustration. I continually think of myself as a screw up, I avoid looking in mirrors or at least looking myself in the face when I do, and I cannot shift the feeling of failure I seem to live underneath. I have so much pressure on me to succeed, or at least not fail, that I’m given no alternative, people just spout bull like ‘What happens is part of God’s plan’. This course is making me sick of God, or at least the God everyone keeps jabbering on about as that one doesn’t seem to ever show up, and it freaking hurts.
Right now I want to go for a walk to get some air to clear my head, and get out of the house, but I’m too scared of myself, that I might just ‘slip’ when a car is passing. Have you ever been scared of YOURSELF?! I want to talk to someone yet have no one to call as I have no phone numbers, plus it’s the middle of the night and people will be sleeping. Man, I need to have a break down at a more convenient time.
I don’t want to continue, but I do because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, and no matter what people tell I know they will be disappointed, I’ve seen in the eyes of people I’ve mentioned my feelings to. It makes me feel so isolated, I feel so weak, helpless. By staying on the course I’m letting down my college, my work agencies, and the young people who need a better role model around them. They don’t need someone as messed up as I am emotionally as it can damage them. By dropping out I let down my family, my friends, my girlfriend, her family.
The only times I feel happy are the times when it’s nothing to do with college, and nothing to do with work, when I’m away from the house, when I’m with friends, when I’m with my girlfriend. The rest of the time I feel like screaming, I feel angry, I want to just swear, I find myself wanting to drink, and I want to go home. I make commitments and don’t keep them, I lie compulsively and find it excruciating to tell the truth because again, I don’t want people to be disappointed. I’m so snowed under with work that I’m 2 weeks behind one deadline and I’m still not finished, and the kick in the teeth is that the reason I’m like this is because I just haven’t done the work. I have debts almost as long as my arm, and again, it’s because I don’t manage money at all. I’ve lied so much and about so many things that to admit it all would mean alienating just about everyone close to me, maybe even everyone, add in to that that I don’t even know or remember what most of the lies are anymore.
I did a music shuffle thing, and am now haunted by the question ‘How will you die?’ and the randomly selected track from my iTunes library was Tomorrow by Homegrown. I’m now scared that I will die tomorrow.
And I need to go out for air.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
1 comment:
I don't know what to say, but I want to say something. I didn't want your post to not be responded to. I am sorry that you are in so much pain.
One line stood out for me - that you felt you would be a bad rolemodel because you feel you are messed up.
Someone who knows how hard things can be, and therefore has a better chance of understanding when other people have hard times, can be a very good role model. You don't have to be perfect.
It isn't fair that you have to deal with so much when not everyone does - but you shouldn't blame yourself for it. What has happened, happened. The question is 'what will you do next', not 'what have you done'.
Look after yourself Adam, there are a lot of people who care about you.
Post a Comment