Other than the social elements of having a very few people I consider friends I can’t think of anything I actually enjoy about this course. I can’t think of any reason why I’m doing this apart from to get a degree which over and over again I get told I need to have. All I seem to get from this is pain, no sense of fulfilment, and a whole lot of anger and frustration. I continually think of myself as a screw up, I avoid looking in mirrors or at least looking myself in the face when I do, and I cannot shift the feeling of failure I seem to live underneath. I have so much pressure on me to succeed, or at least not fail, that I’m given no alternative, people just spout bull like ‘What happens is part of God’s plan’. This course is making me sick of God, or at least the God everyone keeps jabbering on about as that one doesn’t seem to ever show up, and it freaking hurts.
Right now I want to go for a walk to get some air to clear my head, and get out of the house, but I’m too scared of myself, that I might just ‘slip’ when a car is passing. Have you ever been scared of YOURSELF?! I want to talk to someone yet have no one to call as I have no phone numbers, plus it’s the middle of the night and people will be sleeping. Man, I need to have a break down at a more convenient time.
I don’t want to continue, but I do because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, and no matter what people tell I know they will be disappointed, I’ve seen in the eyes of people I’ve mentioned my feelings to. It makes me feel so isolated, I feel so weak, helpless. By staying on the course I’m letting down my college, my work agencies, and the young people who need a better role model around them. They don’t need someone as messed up as I am emotionally as it can damage them. By dropping out I let down my family, my friends, my girlfriend, her family.
The only times I feel happy are the times when it’s nothing to do with college, and nothing to do with work, when I’m away from the house, when I’m with friends, when I’m with my girlfriend. The rest of the time I feel like screaming, I feel angry, I want to just swear, I find myself wanting to drink, and I want to go home. I make commitments and don’t keep them, I lie compulsively and find it excruciating to tell the truth because again, I don’t want people to be disappointed. I’m so snowed under with work that I’m 2 weeks behind one deadline and I’m still not finished, and the kick in the teeth is that the reason I’m like this is because I just haven’t done the work. I have debts almost as long as my arm, and again, it’s because I don’t manage money at all. I’ve lied so much and about so many things that to admit it all would mean alienating just about everyone close to me, maybe even everyone, add in to that that I don’t even know or remember what most of the lies are anymore.
I did a music shuffle thing, and am now haunted by the question ‘How will you die?’ and the randomly selected track from my iTunes library was Tomorrow by Homegrown. I’m now scared that I will die tomorrow.
And I need to go out for air.
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Saturday, 21 February 2009
A Rolo-riginal... geddit?
I've been experimenting in my kitchen for months now, and have come up with a fantastically simple and wonderfully delicious dessert that anyone with a fridge can make.
Oreo Mousse, well, it might not qualify as a mousse, but I think it does.
Ingredients;
150ml double cream
200g chocolate powder (for use in cold milk)
4 oreos
... I think, I don't tend to measure anything. Feel free to added more or less powder, it is advisable however to have more powder than cream as it thickens up the cream. As for the powder my personal favourite it to use Choco Drink from Lidl ^_^
Method;
Crush the oreos into as small as possible, and put them in a mixing jug/bowl. Pour in the cream, and the chocolate powder. Stir until the mixture thickens and becomes gloopy (proper technical term there like) making sure the oreos are mixed throughout. Pour into smaller containers such as drinks glasses or whatever. Glass is best though. Finally, refridgerate for a good number of hours, I tend to do it over night, though I suppose through the daytime would work too.
Happy desserting.
Oreo Mousse, well, it might not qualify as a mousse, but I think it does.
Ingredients;
150ml double cream
200g chocolate powder (for use in cold milk)
4 oreos
... I think, I don't tend to measure anything. Feel free to added more or less powder, it is advisable however to have more powder than cream as it thickens up the cream. As for the powder my personal favourite it to use Choco Drink from Lidl ^_^
Method;
Crush the oreos into as small as possible, and put them in a mixing jug/bowl. Pour in the cream, and the chocolate powder. Stir until the mixture thickens and becomes gloopy (proper technical term there like) making sure the oreos are mixed throughout. Pour into smaller containers such as drinks glasses or whatever. Glass is best though. Finally, refridgerate for a good number of hours, I tend to do it over night, though I suppose through the daytime would work too.
Happy desserting.
Everyone gives in once in a while.
So I was sat watching over my Facebook when I saw one of those generic post things, such as the '25 things' etc.
I thought why not, this one may just be a bit of a giggle as I highly doubt many of my answers will be worked out, so without further ado;
Step 1: Put your iPod/iTunes on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strikethrough when someone gets them right
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
1. Instrumental - Malmo by The Album Leaf, from the Seal Beach EP (2003)
2. You and I are like oil and water
3.This is my December, this is my time of the year
4. Get back here what are waiting for this time
5. Our buildings have fallen, our walls all caved in
6. Dictate what you think is pivotal, mandate just for the sake of ego
7. Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it, any way you want it
8. And all I got to do is sit around and wait
9. Finally all the world will see, rise again before the endless silence
10. I ordered a frappuccino where’s my [censored] frappuccino?
11. Take it off!
12. I’m on fire and I think I’m ready to bust a move.
13. I’ve been here before trying to put my feelings into words, it just doesn’t work
14. The question asked in order to save her life or take it
15. I’m born, I’m alive, I breathe
16. Hunting is going on, we are a part of the wilderness
17. Bursting through the fire of empty, fatal warrior, battles are raging
18. All you sailors old or young come light the guns on everyone.
19. Years ago a future was laid before me and I took the task and ran with it
20. I will give you all my worship, I will give you all my praise
21. Looking at a grey sky blue sky is coming.
22. Come and listen, brave and tall, The greatest tale I have to tell you, It was a bleak and barren moor.
23. Instrumental – Shine by The Album Leaf, from Into the Blue Again (2006)
24. Guess what I’m done writing your songs, you’ll give up your job at the bank
25. This place rings with echoes of lives once lived that now are lost
26. I fly, I soar, this I adore
27. Off to the land of sleepy time I go, I’m going to take my shoes off at the door
28. When faith alone is not enough to keep our heads barely above we look for reason and come up empty handed
29. I have, I have you breathing down me neck, breathing down my neck, I don’t what you expect under this condition
30. I’m in the business of misery let’s take it from the top
I thought why not, this one may just be a bit of a giggle as I highly doubt many of my answers will be worked out, so without further ado;
Step 1: Put your iPod/iTunes on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strikethrough when someone gets them right
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!
1. Instrumental - Malmo by The Album Leaf, from the Seal Beach EP (2003)
2. You and I are like oil and water
3.This is my December, this is my time of the year
4. Get back here what are waiting for this time
5. Our buildings have fallen, our walls all caved in
6. Dictate what you think is pivotal, mandate just for the sake of ego
7. Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it, any way you want it
8. And all I got to do is sit around and wait
9. Finally all the world will see, rise again before the endless silence
10. I ordered a frappuccino where’s my [censored] frappuccino?
11. Take it off!
12. I’m on fire and I think I’m ready to bust a move.
13. I’ve been here before trying to put my feelings into words, it just doesn’t work
14. The question asked in order to save her life or take it
15. I’m born, I’m alive, I breathe
16. Hunting is going on, we are a part of the wilderness
17. Bursting through the fire of empty, fatal warrior, battles are raging
18. All you sailors old or young come light the guns on everyone.
19. Years ago a future was laid before me and I took the task and ran with it
20. I will give you all my worship, I will give you all my praise
21. Looking at a grey sky blue sky is coming.
22. Come and listen, brave and tall, The greatest tale I have to tell you, It was a bleak and barren moor.
23. Instrumental – Shine by The Album Leaf, from Into the Blue Again (2006)
24. Guess what I’m done writing your songs, you’ll give up your job at the bank
25. This place rings with echoes of lives once lived that now are lost
26. I fly, I soar, this I adore
27. Off to the land of sleepy time I go, I’m going to take my shoes off at the door
28. When faith alone is not enough to keep our heads barely above we look for reason and come up empty handed
29. I have, I have you breathing down me neck, breathing down my neck, I don’t what you expect under this condition
30. I’m in the business of misery let’s take it from the top
Friday, 20 February 2009
Zatoichi
Just watched it, and I must say that I feel I have found a new film for my mental-list of favourite films!
Words just do not describe the awesome quality of the film.
Words just do not describe the awesome quality of the film.
Monday, 16 February 2009
Moments of great importance.
There come times in all our lives when we begin to make very large decisions. I am at one of those points, the great crossroads on the old adage of life's journey.
I tell you this as I am asking for people to pray for wisdom for me, and for courage. I won't, however, talk of the details with very many people. In fact the number of people will most likely number on a single hand.
At some time soon I may discuss in more detail the whole topic of taking the courageous decisions, or even just about the times when great matter present themselves, but for now I shall remain silent on the matter as I need an earlier night than usual.
Good night.
I tell you this as I am asking for people to pray for wisdom for me, and for courage. I won't, however, talk of the details with very many people. In fact the number of people will most likely number on a single hand.
At some time soon I may discuss in more detail the whole topic of taking the courageous decisions, or even just about the times when great matter present themselves, but for now I shall remain silent on the matter as I need an earlier night than usual.
Good night.
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Christians annoy me.
Not all of them, and not just Christians exclusively, just to get that straight.
Well, to the point.
I was sat in church this evening, first time I've been in like 3 weeks, and we were looking at Acts 2 v42-47, subtitled 'The Fellowship of Believers'. Aside from the obvious parodies of certain Hobbit-filled texts, we were looking specifically at the idea of fellowship, community, and 'breaking bread' or communion.
The traditional approach from not only the very traditional churches with pews, but also of many other churches too, is that people quietly sit waiting for the bread, then the wine, all the while trying to appear holier than thou just in case anyone notices. I'm sure it works for some people, but I personally find it tedious, and just a little bit annoying.
What is written in the bible sounds to me rather far flung from the church ordeal, as it reads in an English Standard Version of the bible;
42And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.
To me, that does not sound like the picture I'm being presented in church, and I'm feeling a little cheated. From what is written there this whole idea of breaking bread revolves around the fellowship, fellowship being defined as;
# A company of people that shares the same interest or aim.
# A feeling of friendship, relatedness or connection between people.
And that fellowship involving eating and drinking together, as happened in the Last Supper of the 4 Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), and yes reflecting on God's grace, and the sacrifice that Jesus made, but in a sociable manner, with a feeling of friendship. Why does communion have to follow a deathly boring liturgy? Why does it have to be done in silence? Or with background noise from the worship group? Why can't non-Christians join in? Can not a group of friends eating together, sharing their lives, and experiences of God with each other be classed as communion? Is that model not truer to the biblical sense of breaking bread featured in Acts?
Am I saying do away with the liturgical form of communion? Not necessarily, but I am saying that churches need to wake up.
How would people react to a flash mob style communion in a vastly public area, people coming together and sharing life, bread, and a drink? Not necessarily alcoholic in fact most likely not as that may be illegal.
Does the communion even have to be bread and wine/wine-substitute? Can it not be something else staple to society's diet? Pizza and a can of coke maybe? Rice and water? Anything like that.
Why should we conform any longer to a pattern set in a world far outdated, and obviously not working?
I pray that has given you something to consider,
Peace, and God bless.
Well, to the point.
I was sat in church this evening, first time I've been in like 3 weeks, and we were looking at Acts 2 v42-47, subtitled 'The Fellowship of Believers'. Aside from the obvious parodies of certain Hobbit-filled texts, we were looking specifically at the idea of fellowship, community, and 'breaking bread' or communion.
The traditional approach from not only the very traditional churches with pews, but also of many other churches too, is that people quietly sit waiting for the bread, then the wine, all the while trying to appear holier than thou just in case anyone notices. I'm sure it works for some people, but I personally find it tedious, and just a little bit annoying.
What is written in the bible sounds to me rather far flung from the church ordeal, as it reads in an English Standard Version of the bible;
42And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.
To me, that does not sound like the picture I'm being presented in church, and I'm feeling a little cheated. From what is written there this whole idea of breaking bread revolves around the fellowship, fellowship being defined as;
# A company of people that shares the same interest or aim.
# A feeling of friendship, relatedness or connection between people.
And that fellowship involving eating and drinking together, as happened in the Last Supper of the 4 Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), and yes reflecting on God's grace, and the sacrifice that Jesus made, but in a sociable manner, with a feeling of friendship. Why does communion have to follow a deathly boring liturgy? Why does it have to be done in silence? Or with background noise from the worship group? Why can't non-Christians join in? Can not a group of friends eating together, sharing their lives, and experiences of God with each other be classed as communion? Is that model not truer to the biblical sense of breaking bread featured in Acts?
Am I saying do away with the liturgical form of communion? Not necessarily, but I am saying that churches need to wake up.
How would people react to a flash mob style communion in a vastly public area, people coming together and sharing life, bread, and a drink? Not necessarily alcoholic in fact most likely not as that may be illegal.
Does the communion even have to be bread and wine/wine-substitute? Can it not be something else staple to society's diet? Pizza and a can of coke maybe? Rice and water? Anything like that.
Why should we conform any longer to a pattern set in a world far outdated, and obviously not working?
I pray that has given you something to consider,
Peace, and God bless.
Something not naff.
I heard from mi'Mam today. got an email from NZ finally!
It's nice to hear how things are going, and it's nice for me to feel that way about it. I'm going to email her back tonight before I get down to work. I can't wait until I get to go out and visit.
Mam moved out to New Zealand with her husband Neil in January to an area called Thames, it's north island at the south end of the Coromandel Peninsula, east of Auckland. Mam was telling me that they live within walking distance of some of the best beaches on the north island, and it's a surfer's haven. I'm hoping to spend some time there in Winter this year.
Let me tell you, the fact that my mum lives on the opposite corner of the globe to me isn't the strangest part of this whole affair, it's the fact that I'm not feeling angry, I'm not mad at her anymore. This Christmas, before she moved to NZ, a lot of things were worked out between me and Mam and I'm glad it happened when it did.
Hallelujah.
It's nice to hear how things are going, and it's nice for me to feel that way about it. I'm going to email her back tonight before I get down to work. I can't wait until I get to go out and visit.
Mam moved out to New Zealand with her husband Neil in January to an area called Thames, it's north island at the south end of the Coromandel Peninsula, east of Auckland. Mam was telling me that they live within walking distance of some of the best beaches on the north island, and it's a surfer's haven. I'm hoping to spend some time there in Winter this year.
Let me tell you, the fact that my mum lives on the opposite corner of the globe to me isn't the strangest part of this whole affair, it's the fact that I'm not feeling angry, I'm not mad at her anymore. This Christmas, before she moved to NZ, a lot of things were worked out between me and Mam and I'm glad it happened when it did.
Hallelujah.
Friday, 6 February 2009
Those songs.
The music I've been listening to are the following albums;
Coffey Anderson - Worship Unplugged, Vol 1
and,
Jeremy Camp - Live and Unplugged
The songs that rubbed in particular were;
Stay
Well I can feel it in my soul,
The more you reason, the more you've shown He's there,
I can see the only way of falling down,
When your looking everywhere,
So far from this, you can live,
So far from this,
Well, Come On Now, Stay
Right here in the light,
So that you won't walk away, away (yeah)
Well, come on now, Stay
Right here in the light,
Throw your burdens all away, away (yeah)
Throw your burdens all away
Well, the thought of wandering down,
On this place of open road,
You speak the very part,
Though your actions always show,
How easily you sway,
But easily He takes,
All those heartfelt cries,
Broken pride, and walks along this hill,
Not far away,
So far from this you can live, So far from this
Well, Come On Now, Stay
Right here in the light,
So that you wont walk away, away, (yeah)
Well come on now, Stay
Right here in the light,
Throw your burdens all away, away (yeah)
Throw your burdens all away
Well, can you feel those arms around you
Well, can you see this place surround you
Well, can you hear the people calling ?
Well, I can see your fear
and
I Still Believe
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Coffey Anderson - Worship Unplugged, Vol 1
and,
Jeremy Camp - Live and Unplugged
The songs that rubbed in particular were;
Stay
Well I can feel it in my soul,
The more you reason, the more you've shown He's there,
I can see the only way of falling down,
When your looking everywhere,
So far from this, you can live,
So far from this,
Well, Come On Now, Stay
Right here in the light,
So that you won't walk away, away (yeah)
Well, come on now, Stay
Right here in the light,
Throw your burdens all away, away (yeah)
Throw your burdens all away
Well, the thought of wandering down,
On this place of open road,
You speak the very part,
Though your actions always show,
How easily you sway,
But easily He takes,
All those heartfelt cries,
Broken pride, and walks along this hill,
Not far away,
So far from this you can live, So far from this
Well, Come On Now, Stay
Right here in the light,
So that you wont walk away, away, (yeah)
Well come on now, Stay
Right here in the light,
Throw your burdens all away, away (yeah)
Throw your burdens all away
Well, can you feel those arms around you
Well, can you see this place surround you
Well, can you hear the people calling ?
Well, I can see your fear
and
I Still Believe
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe
Concerning last night.
Well, I wrote, incredibly briefly, about how my temper has been concerning me recently. I';ve been losing my temper at too much, at nothing, and not at things I should. Just getting angry. Later last night/this morning, depending on how you view 2/3am, things got a little weird.
I'd gotten myself into bed, had my 'Easy Stuff' list playing on the computer as on the whole it helps me sleep, actually thinking of that I do need to make some alterations to that list. My temper hadn't cooled, and wasn't showing any signs of doing so, in fact I was getting more wound up, and moving into my 'I really want to smash things' stage. I started crying out to God, and to Jesus, just crying for them to do something because I had no idea what was going on, no idea why I was so angry, no idea what I was angry with. I was just burning with a rage. I thrashed about a bit, hit wall a few times, neither helped. I wanted to scream, but Tom was sleeping, and it isn't fair that he suffers on my account.
I started to panic as recognition hit me, I was repeating the early stages of my breakdown York. I cried out all the more intensely begging, pleading, for God to not let me mad again, to just give me sleep. I had to keep my hands away from me as I had gained a suspicious grip on my hair and didn't want to start pulling any out. Okay, so this stuff isn't particularly new for me, and in a respect neither is this next part. This is the weird stuff mentioned earlier.
I've alwasy believed that I harbour demons in my spirit because of some unsavoury behaviour in times past, and have in truth been face to face with such a demon before, once again during my vulnerability in York, and I believe that last night I was confronted with another. A shadow crossed my room, in human form, featureless, but vaguely human in shape, and stood watching me, moving and watching, always watching. I became depserate, feeling abandoned by God, feeling terrified. I just kept crying out, even in my hopelessness, and to my shame it wasn't because I believed it would work, it was because I didn't feel there was anything else to do. The shadow melted but I didn't feel anything, and I was still scared.
I don't remember much after that, I was just crying just wanting to sleep. I remember my eyes getting heavy as all the emotion just wore me out, and I think I slept as I woke up this morning. Thus I sit here writing on last night, and the music I've chosen to play just feels like I'm rubbing salt in my wounds as I want so desperately to feel like I did, knowing without a shadow that God is there for me, but I can't convince myself that I do. I want to be able to believe I can get through this course, that I won't let everyone who is counting on me down, but once again I can't convince myself that. Last night was a little too real, a little too close home.
I feel like I'm losing myself again. I feel as though those demons are still there waiting. I feel useless. I feel as though I'm losing my faith, and it bloody hurts.
I don't know where this is going anymore.
Laters.
I'd gotten myself into bed, had my 'Easy Stuff' list playing on the computer as on the whole it helps me sleep, actually thinking of that I do need to make some alterations to that list. My temper hadn't cooled, and wasn't showing any signs of doing so, in fact I was getting more wound up, and moving into my 'I really want to smash things' stage. I started crying out to God, and to Jesus, just crying for them to do something because I had no idea what was going on, no idea why I was so angry, no idea what I was angry with. I was just burning with a rage. I thrashed about a bit, hit wall a few times, neither helped. I wanted to scream, but Tom was sleeping, and it isn't fair that he suffers on my account.
I started to panic as recognition hit me, I was repeating the early stages of my breakdown York. I cried out all the more intensely begging, pleading, for God to not let me mad again, to just give me sleep. I had to keep my hands away from me as I had gained a suspicious grip on my hair and didn't want to start pulling any out. Okay, so this stuff isn't particularly new for me, and in a respect neither is this next part. This is the weird stuff mentioned earlier.
I've alwasy believed that I harbour demons in my spirit because of some unsavoury behaviour in times past, and have in truth been face to face with such a demon before, once again during my vulnerability in York, and I believe that last night I was confronted with another. A shadow crossed my room, in human form, featureless, but vaguely human in shape, and stood watching me, moving and watching, always watching. I became depserate, feeling abandoned by God, feeling terrified. I just kept crying out, even in my hopelessness, and to my shame it wasn't because I believed it would work, it was because I didn't feel there was anything else to do. The shadow melted but I didn't feel anything, and I was still scared.
I don't remember much after that, I was just crying just wanting to sleep. I remember my eyes getting heavy as all the emotion just wore me out, and I think I slept as I woke up this morning. Thus I sit here writing on last night, and the music I've chosen to play just feels like I'm rubbing salt in my wounds as I want so desperately to feel like I did, knowing without a shadow that God is there for me, but I can't convince myself that I do. I want to be able to believe I can get through this course, that I won't let everyone who is counting on me down, but once again I can't convince myself that. Last night was a little too real, a little too close home.
I feel like I'm losing myself again. I feel as though those demons are still there waiting. I feel useless. I feel as though I'm losing my faith, and it bloody hurts.
I don't know where this is going anymore.
Laters.
Thursday, 5 February 2009
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