Crunch point.

Crisis of faith is a term commonly applied to periods of intense doubt and internal conflict about one's preconceived beliefs or life decisions.

That sounds about right for me. So, what I am going through right now is called a crisis of faith. This isn't the first time I've been in this situation, far from it, however this time feels much stronger than others gone before. There is a certain complexity to almost complete collapse of faith, in ones self, the system, others, and God, and it is freaking lonely.

Okay, to explain, the basic reasoning behind this is I am once again questioning the wisdom in my decision to be studying a degree at a biblical college on such an unusual course, working for my employers, and even working in the particular sector that I am. I don't want to be doing youth work right now, I don't actually want to be doing it at all, a great part of me wants to be working a regular 9-5 (or equivalent) job without the worries of a degree on top of it. Welcome to the iceberg, next stop, the tip.

Going a bit deeper and we get to a loss of faith in other people, God, and the system. Now, what I mean by system is well, I'm not sure, as I felt it was the college support system, then upon further inspection I realise that the only reason it isn't working is because I'm not using it, wa-hey I am officially rubbish. My faith is God is feeling a tad broken. I just don't think I believe God even cares about anything other than himself, I feel that God is essentially a selfish child who does everything only so he can look better. I can't reconcile the fact that, taking the bible as a written story of God and man's relationship, God created certain people, and peoples, specifically for the purpose of being damned in the end. All of human endeavour inevitably, according to what is written in the bible, is predetermined meaning that the likes of Judas Iscariot, and the Canaanites were created solely to be damned or destroyed. How can that be seen as a loving God, especially when the only reason people seem to give is "It's for the greater Glory of God" and the, once again according to the bible, end result is the complete and eternal worship of God. To me that sounds pretty selfish. When it comes to other people, it's more to do with prayer I suppose, or it could be in my own issues with trusting people as I feel completely alone and the thought of people praying for me doesn't exactly comfort me. I don't know if it really works. If the way to test is to pray and see if something happens, then isn't it equal to say that if you pray and something doesn't happen then it's false?

I don't want to be here.