Look up...
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Look down..
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Look right..
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Look left..
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Now go outside and do the same.
In everything there is beauty,
but take yourself outside once in a while, and enjoy yourself.
Go hug a tree. Throw stones in a pond. Jump in a puddle.
Be a kid.
Jesus had a lot to say about children, Matthew 18, Mark 10, Luke 18 as examples, they take simple joy out of the world. People over-complicate life, remove that joy.
Never lose your joy in this world, never let anyone take that freedom from you. Fight for joy, and for freedom. Fight to be children, for we are children of God. Fight with your very life.
For me fight not for glory, nor riches, nor honours, but for freedom alone, which no good man gives up except with his life
God bless.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Time to face the music.
I've been running from this for nigh on 10 years now, but after my three-way meeting with my fieldwork tutor and line manager it has been decided that I'm to undergo counselling.
Certain issues were raised in the meeting, and certain ones were kind of blurted out. They are issues I need to deal with, and will hopefully get dealt with through this counselling, but part of me just wants to run and hide, no surprise then that one of the aforementioned issues is avoidance. Others include dealing with emotional stress constructively, and also working through this shadow that's sat over me since my breakdown in 2006 which resulted in me dropping out of university in York.
As for the nigh on a decade stuff, well, I was first offered to go through counselling when I was like 13 or 14, I don't really remember now, to deal with depression, aggression, and sociopathic tendancies. Being the little ball of crazy I was back then I colourfully told them were to stuff their counselling and have avoided the issue every time it has been raised since.
Well, grab the bull by the horns and all that jazz.
Here we go.
Certain issues were raised in the meeting, and certain ones were kind of blurted out. They are issues I need to deal with, and will hopefully get dealt with through this counselling, but part of me just wants to run and hide, no surprise then that one of the aforementioned issues is avoidance. Others include dealing with emotional stress constructively, and also working through this shadow that's sat over me since my breakdown in 2006 which resulted in me dropping out of university in York.
As for the nigh on a decade stuff, well, I was first offered to go through counselling when I was like 13 or 14, I don't really remember now, to deal with depression, aggression, and sociopathic tendancies. Being the little ball of crazy I was back then I colourfully told them were to stuff their counselling and have avoided the issue every time it has been raised since.
Well, grab the bull by the horns and all that jazz.
Here we go.
Sunday, 25 January 2009
Not much to say on this at the minute.
I was just sending a message and found something quite amusing.
I have recently been using predictive text to type my messages, as now I have the general hang of it it has indeed become easier, and was aiming for the word 'fancied' the buttons for which being 3262433. Now, what amused me was the word that came up instead as a first choice, 'damaged', and it got me thinking...
...Ooh, I left this on whilst I got distracted, I can't remember what it was that I was thinking. Never mind.
God bless.
I have recently been using predictive text to type my messages, as now I have the general hang of it it has indeed become easier, and was aiming for the word 'fancied' the buttons for which being 3262433. Now, what amused me was the word that came up instead as a first choice, 'damaged', and it got me thinking...
...Ooh, I left this on whilst I got distracted, I can't remember what it was that I was thinking. Never mind.
God bless.
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Crunch point.
Crisis of faith is a term commonly applied to periods of intense doubt and internal conflict about one's preconceived beliefs or life decisions.
That sounds about right for me. So, what I am going through right now is called a crisis of faith. This isn't the first time I've been in this situation, far from it, however this time feels much stronger than others gone before. There is a certain complexity to almost complete collapse of faith, in ones self, the system, others, and God, and it is freaking lonely.
Okay, to explain, the basic reasoning behind this is I am once again questioning the wisdom in my decision to be studying a degree at a biblical college on such an unusual course, working for my employers, and even working in the particular sector that I am. I don't want to be doing youth work right now, I don't actually want to be doing it at all, a great part of me wants to be working a regular 9-5 (or equivalent) job without the worries of a degree on top of it. Welcome to the iceberg, next stop, the tip.
Going a bit deeper and we get to a loss of faith in other people, God, and the system. Now, what I mean by system is well, I'm not sure, as I felt it was the college support system, then upon further inspection I realise that the only reason it isn't working is because I'm not using it, wa-hey I am officially rubbish. My faith is God is feeling a tad broken. I just don't think I believe God even cares about anything other than himself, I feel that God is essentially a selfish child who does everything only so he can look better. I can't reconcile the fact that, taking the bible as a written story of God and man's relationship, God created certain people, and peoples, specifically for the purpose of being damned in the end. All of human endeavour inevitably, according to what is written in the bible, is predetermined meaning that the likes of Judas Iscariot, and the Canaanites were created solely to be damned or destroyed. How can that be seen as a loving God, especially when the only reason people seem to give is "It's for the greater Glory of God" and the, once again according to the bible, end result is the complete and eternal worship of God. To me that sounds pretty selfish. When it comes to other people, it's more to do with prayer I suppose, or it could be in my own issues with trusting people as I feel completely alone and the thought of people praying for me doesn't exactly comfort me. I don't know if it really works. If the way to test is to pray and see if something happens, then isn't it equal to say that if you pray and something doesn't happen then it's false?
I don't want to be here.
That sounds about right for me. So, what I am going through right now is called a crisis of faith. This isn't the first time I've been in this situation, far from it, however this time feels much stronger than others gone before. There is a certain complexity to almost complete collapse of faith, in ones self, the system, others, and God, and it is freaking lonely.
Okay, to explain, the basic reasoning behind this is I am once again questioning the wisdom in my decision to be studying a degree at a biblical college on such an unusual course, working for my employers, and even working in the particular sector that I am. I don't want to be doing youth work right now, I don't actually want to be doing it at all, a great part of me wants to be working a regular 9-5 (or equivalent) job without the worries of a degree on top of it. Welcome to the iceberg, next stop, the tip.
Going a bit deeper and we get to a loss of faith in other people, God, and the system. Now, what I mean by system is well, I'm not sure, as I felt it was the college support system, then upon further inspection I realise that the only reason it isn't working is because I'm not using it, wa-hey I am officially rubbish. My faith is God is feeling a tad broken. I just don't think I believe God even cares about anything other than himself, I feel that God is essentially a selfish child who does everything only so he can look better. I can't reconcile the fact that, taking the bible as a written story of God and man's relationship, God created certain people, and peoples, specifically for the purpose of being damned in the end. All of human endeavour inevitably, according to what is written in the bible, is predetermined meaning that the likes of Judas Iscariot, and the Canaanites were created solely to be damned or destroyed. How can that be seen as a loving God, especially when the only reason people seem to give is "It's for the greater Glory of God" and the, once again according to the bible, end result is the complete and eternal worship of God. To me that sounds pretty selfish. When it comes to other people, it's more to do with prayer I suppose, or it could be in my own issues with trusting people as I feel completely alone and the thought of people praying for me doesn't exactly comfort me. I don't know if it really works. If the way to test is to pray and see if something happens, then isn't it equal to say that if you pray and something doesn't happen then it's false?
I don't want to be here.
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