hmm.

What is the purpose of my blog? I'm not sure what I use this for anymore.

The time is coming.

I will be starting back up on here soon, and I apologise that I didn't update sooner as I did not want this to become a rather large moan about how awful the experience of attempting to access NHS mental health care is, whilst searching through the soul crushing process of job hunting on Jobseeker's Allowance.

I just thought I'd let you know that soon I will return
God bless.

Hiatus.

Hi everyone, just letting you know I'm taking a small hiatus from updating whilst I formulate some new posts.

Will be back soon though.

Thought of me above all? Mobile Reflection 3.

One of many that I fiddle about with around my synapses at church.


For Facebook: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjYiEyu8Si8

"You took the fall, and thought of me above all."

Has there been a subtle shift of the importance in the gospel story?

Did Jesus come for us or for God?

Is our salvation more important than God's glory?

These are questions that went screaming through my mind as this song was playing at church tonight. People have made this entire culture in church around 'worship', and about how much they get out of church. People talk about church in reference to themselves. People talk about God in reference to themselves. People talk about everything in reference to themselves.

Dare I suggest that we, as a church in the fallout of the Enlightenment, have usurped the central facet of the gospels for ourselves in place of God? Now I'm not saying that this is something that has been done maliciously and deliberately, but has been unwittingly subtle, the gospel stories aren't viewed as mighty demonstrations of God's power through Jesus, they're a love story to mankind, and that is how I've heard them described. Health, wealth, and prosperity is an ever increasing message coming from people in Western cultures.

When Jesus was hanging on the cross was it really us he was thinking about? Or was it God? Was it about freeing mankind from it's mess, or was it about doing the will of his Father? What were the words he cried on the cross, are they not pretty telling about where his mind was? This song is just one of many that I find myself being incredibly critical of, not because they aren't powerful they really tug on the heartstrings of the masses, but I think that is where their danger lies, and where the dangerous lies are to be found.

I think there need to some serious upheavals within the culture that has built up around the church, there are wolves in the flock though not in human form, so I pray that you remain vigilant as to what message is actually being broadcast from your songs, your actions, and your lifestyles.

"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits."
Matthew 7 v15-20

I pray you don't wait long enough to see the fruits, as that may just be too late.

Internet Justice.

Am I correct in thinking that the internet is a place of complete injustice? Has the 'freedom of speech' stuff just gone way out of hand?

I'm currently invovled in a back and forth with the creator of a Facebook group 'I can now come forward and admit: I have been abused by Michael Jackson'. Now I understand the sentiment, especially on being intimidated about going against the huge legal power Michael Jackson's wealth could bring to bear in court proceedings if he were still alive to do so.

However, the groups itself focusses around Michael Jackson jokes such as 'BREAKING NEWS: Madeline McCann found in Jacko's basement', group officer titles of 'The most abused of them all' and 'Officer of vaginal blood', which in themselves are incredibly childish jokes, but in particular the second one, if we are to believe the stories of Michael Jackson's alledged paedophilia charges, he didn't involve himself with girls.

Furthermore, the discussion I am having with the creator of the group illustrates my point even more, he is attempting to create a facade that it is a true case, however when asked why it is he has not gone through the proper legal processes of putting a claiming against Michael Jackson's estate, which I believe if found authentic he would be entitled to do so, his response was that I made a spelling mistake.

The group has, by myself and by others that I know, been reported to the Facebook admins and hopefully some justice will come out of this, but it leaves me viewing the internet in much the same way as the American 'wild west' era.

I believe something needs to change, liberty and freedom are being abused and there needs to be action to stop it. What that action might be I couldn't say.

Soundtrack to my life. Mobile Reflection 2.

I swear, one day I will catch up with posting these.
This is one that I like from my phone;
I was travelling to London to visit Jess and on the train I was listening to random playlists and I had a realisation.
Backdated from May 09
'Have you ever found yourself considering your life as a music video?
If so, what songs define your present situation? Your future? The journey you're presently embarked upon? You as a whole?
I am currently sat on a train and have my music running through shuffle, and I've had three songs that sparked my imagination, three saw me viewing my life as music videos in three parts.
Firstly there was Jack's Mannequin with 'Spinning';
"...
...
... gah! I just spent the last HOUR looking for a video/making one to specifically to put Spinning up here, but there are no non-live, non-some prig playing it over webcam versions of the song thanks to YouTube's policy on licence agreements. Grr, sorry everyone, shall have to find it yourselves, Spotify has it...
...
..."
I felt this song playing through my situation as I was experiencing it, everything going madly out of control, but managing to be upbeat despite not being able to 'remeber when the earth turned slowly' and also realising that 'I lost my place but I can't stop this story'. This song holds as a reminder of not letting it all crash down on top of me. Also see Swim by Jack's Mannequin.

My second song was from The Postal Service, 'Such Great Heights'.

For Facebook: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMOkfI7wCrI
It highlights something very close to my heart, Jessica. The song talks about being a mirror image, an opposite, of the one you love and how God makes people that way. We are very definitely opposites, we highlight, and cover up all in the same breath each others flaws and weaknesses, we're two sides of the same coin. I could see one of those really cheesey but incredibly lovely montage videos of a couple together. It was my memories of us.

My final song of this particular journey is one that has always held a special place in my heart, ever since I first heard it on MTV2, 'All I Need' by Air;

For Facebook: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqBCOBRcMqc
Today this song feels perfect, particularly with the accompanying video. I'm on a train listening to a song that sounds and feels like a journey, a journey viewed from the third person, utilising muted tones, follow shots, time-lapses, and looking almost stop motion. Taking the video I love so much out of the equation, I can see my own in my mind even now as I re-listen to the track though I highly doubt I could ever do justice to what I am viewing within myself.

So let me finish with this, love your imagination, imagine your music video, visualise it. How does it look for you?
Realise the soundtrack to your life.'

Another sleepless night.

I'm really starting to worry now, these nights are getting more and more frequent. I just want some sleep, I don't want to be spending a day all wiped out again. I need the energy to be able to decide what to do about everything.

Whoever reads this, please pray, I can't take this much longer.

In line with a mobile culture. Mobile Reflection 1.

It's 5am, I haven't slept at all, and am still awake from Saturday, good thing I've not got work today. I thought I'd take this opportunity to fill people in on where I've been these last couple of months, I've not stopped thinking or reflecting and wondering and pondering, I've just not been transposing those thoughts into the aether that is the internet.

I currently am the proud owner of a Nokia 6620 Classic, though why it is called a classic I've no idea as this is the newest model of the 6620 series, anyhow, I digress. One of my favourite features of this phone is that is has an Office package within it that contains a 'Notes' operation. It's rather quite nifty and oh so functional, as one would expect from the Ikea of the phone world.

Why this little spiel on a trivial little matter such as a programme on a phone that is common to almost all phones of this day and age I hear you ask, well, that is because Notes has become my method of immediate capture of spewing thought streams from my all-too-often overactive and easily distracted mind. It works like my own personal blog, within which I alwasy intended to put forth onto the great aether but never quite got round to.

Now I am getting round to it, periodically, starting with two thoughts this morning me thinks.

CONFUSIONS ARISING FROM CHURCH VOL.1
1. Jesus is Lord... God is king... Or is it the other way round? Is saying a 'Lord' prayer, "Lord we come to you now...", and finishing said prayer with "... in Jesus' name" incorrect?
2. When looking at the biggest 'hero' of the new Testament, short of Jesus that is, Paul do we see him as the leader of his journeys? Did Paul lead really Barnabus, his spiritual elder, or did Barnabus lead Paul?

Just things that came up at church one week, many ago.


The second thing I want to put up is a beautiful piece of music, it hit me quite hard when I first listened to it, and it still resonates deep with me now. Enjoy.



God bless all,
Peace.

Pursuit of the Hunted

End Credit Score
1. Put your iTunes on shuffle (at the top go to Controls » Shuffle » By Songs)
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OK?" YOU SAY?
-Kumo- (Mad Capsule Markets)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Centre Aisle (Caedmon's Call)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Dödel Up (Guano Apes)

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I'm Sorry (Flyleaf)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
My Will Be A Dead Man (Project 86)

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
We Are Broken (Paramore)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Southtown (P.O.D.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
I Came In From The Mountain (Roddy Woomble)

WHAT IS 2+2?
Distortion Sleep (Soilwork)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Full Fat (Newton Faulkner)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
A World Away (Spoken)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
One Year Ago (Lene Marlin)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Empty Me (Jeremy Camp)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Misery Business (Paramore)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Not The Land (Caedmon's Call)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Intro (Girugamesh)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Open Your Eyes (Sum 41)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Revolution DeathSquad (Dragonforce)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Innocent Greed (Guano Apes)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Faint Resemblance (Rise Against)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
We Will Become Silhouettes (The Postal Service)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Welcome To Hell (Sum 41) !!

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Here Of All Places (Tree 63)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Adonai (Brian "Head" Welch)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
All You Can Ever Learn Is What You Already Know (The Ataris)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Take It Off (Andrew W.K.)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Enth e Nd (Linkin Park // KutMasta Kurt featuring Motion Man)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Restored (Jeremy Camp)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
How Did I Sleep? (Tree 63)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Take No Rogues (Seth Lakeman)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Pursuit Of The Hunted (Celldweller)

Taken with a bit of class.

T.S. Eliot (1888–1965). Prufrock and Other Observations. 1917.

1. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock


S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.


LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats 5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question … 10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, 15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, 20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go 35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— 40
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all— 55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress 65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets 70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! 75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? 80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, 85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while, 90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— 95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while, 100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: 105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . . 110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use, 115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old … 120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me. 125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

Back once again.

... and I have SO much reading to catch up on here!

If you are feeling down at all, in any way, then PLEASE read this.

Psalm 143
A psalm of David.
1 O LORD, hear my prayer,
listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
come to my relief.

2 Do not bring your servant into judgment,
for no one living is righteous before you.

3 The enemy pursues me,
he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness
like those long dead.

4 So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.

5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.

6 I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
Selah

7 Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.

9 Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD,
for I hide myself in you.

10 Teach me to do your will,
for you are my God;
may your good Spirit
lead me on level ground.

11 For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

12 In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.

I found this rather ironic.

Ok, so I know I'm supposed to be working, but at the minute there are too many distractions,... especially the source of my irony.

I just got trounced at Scrabble in a most worthy of ways, Karen my opponent managed to finish with an 83 point Bingo of 'mootings', and that has left my rating, after 4 completed games, at 666.

I found that rather amusing.

Tickled me somewhat this did.

I needed this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fq2-O_G9nDM

Expectations.

I think one of the things I'm finding hardest about my situation is that everyone keeps telling me their expectations of me, telling me not to let them down, making me feel so guilty that I am letting them down.

Feels like I'm being put through a manual juicer.

I really want to just give up, but nope can't do that, too many people counting on me.
Should just get their own lives and not count on someone who'll inevitably let them down.

Is it wrong...

... that I want to be a warrior of old, a master swordsman, a champion for all?

Is it at all strange that I wish to fight for king and country, for god and for love, to defend the people from the forces of darkness?

I want to shatter the grip of evil power, I want to carve a bloody swathe through creatures beyond salvation, showing the fallen the erros of their ways.

I want to liberate a world chained by shadow, and I want to do it wielding a sword wrought of heaven, screaming righteous fury, battling inner demons but ultimately choosing the light.

Was I born of an age long forgotten, or am I just not meant for this world, or is it that I long for a metaphor and have yet to discover the truth behind my longing?

Or is it that I have just lost touch with reality?

Back once again to this.

Other than the social elements of having a very few people I consider friends I can’t think of anything I actually enjoy about this course. I can’t think of any reason why I’m doing this apart from to get a degree which over and over again I get told I need to have. All I seem to get from this is pain, no sense of fulfilment, and a whole lot of anger and frustration. I continually think of myself as a screw up, I avoid looking in mirrors or at least looking myself in the face when I do, and I cannot shift the feeling of failure I seem to live underneath. I have so much pressure on me to succeed, or at least not fail, that I’m given no alternative, people just spout bull like ‘What happens is part of God’s plan’. This course is making me sick of God, or at least the God everyone keeps jabbering on about as that one doesn’t seem to ever show up, and it freaking hurts.
Right now I want to go for a walk to get some air to clear my head, and get out of the house, but I’m too scared of myself, that I might just ‘slip’ when a car is passing. Have you ever been scared of YOURSELF?! I want to talk to someone yet have no one to call as I have no phone numbers, plus it’s the middle of the night and people will be sleeping. Man, I need to have a break down at a more convenient time.
I don’t want to continue, but I do because I don’t want to disappoint anyone, and no matter what people tell I know they will be disappointed, I’ve seen in the eyes of people I’ve mentioned my feelings to. It makes me feel so isolated, I feel so weak, helpless. By staying on the course I’m letting down my college, my work agencies, and the young people who need a better role model around them. They don’t need someone as messed up as I am emotionally as it can damage them. By dropping out I let down my family, my friends, my girlfriend, her family.
The only times I feel happy are the times when it’s nothing to do with college, and nothing to do with work, when I’m away from the house, when I’m with friends, when I’m with my girlfriend. The rest of the time I feel like screaming, I feel angry, I want to just swear, I find myself wanting to drink, and I want to go home. I make commitments and don’t keep them, I lie compulsively and find it excruciating to tell the truth because again, I don’t want people to be disappointed. I’m so snowed under with work that I’m 2 weeks behind one deadline and I’m still not finished, and the kick in the teeth is that the reason I’m like this is because I just haven’t done the work. I have debts almost as long as my arm, and again, it’s because I don’t manage money at all. I’ve lied so much and about so many things that to admit it all would mean alienating just about everyone close to me, maybe even everyone, add in to that that I don’t even know or remember what most of the lies are anymore.
I did a music shuffle thing, and am now haunted by the question ‘How will you die?’ and the randomly selected track from my iTunes library was Tomorrow by Homegrown. I’m now scared that I will die tomorrow.



And I need to go out for air.

A Rolo-riginal... geddit?

I've been experimenting in my kitchen for months now, and have come up with a fantastically simple and wonderfully delicious dessert that anyone with a fridge can make.

Oreo Mousse, well, it might not qualify as a mousse, but I think it does.

Ingredients;
150ml double cream
200g chocolate powder (for use in cold milk)
4 oreos

... I think, I don't tend to measure anything. Feel free to added more or less powder, it is advisable however to have more powder than cream as it thickens up the cream. As for the powder my personal favourite it to use Choco Drink from Lidl ^_^

Method;
Crush the oreos into as small as possible, and put them in a mixing jug/bowl. Pour in the cream, and the chocolate powder. Stir until the mixture thickens and becomes gloopy (proper technical term there like) making sure the oreos are mixed throughout. Pour into smaller containers such as drinks glasses or whatever. Glass is best though. Finally, refridgerate for a good number of hours, I tend to do it over night, though I suppose through the daytime would work too.

Happy desserting.

Everyone gives in once in a while.

So I was sat watching over my Facebook when I saw one of those generic post things, such as the '25 things' etc.

I thought why not, this one may just be a bit of a giggle as I highly doubt many of my answers will be worked out, so without further ado;

Step 1: Put your iPod/iTunes on shuffle.
Step 2: Post the first line from the first 30 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing the song.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song and artist the lines come from.
Step 4: Strikethrough when someone gets them right
Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is CHEATING!

1. Instrumental - Malmo by The Album Leaf, from the Seal Beach EP (2003)

2. You and I are like oil and water

3.This is my December, this is my time of the year

4. Get back here what are waiting for this time

5. Our buildings have fallen, our walls all caved in

6. Dictate what you think is pivotal, mandate just for the sake of ego

7. Any way you want it, that’s the way you need it, any way you want it

8. And all I got to do is sit around and wait

9. Finally all the world will see, rise again before the endless silence

10. I ordered a frappuccino where’s my [censored] frappuccino?

11. Take it off!

12. I’m on fire and I think I’m ready to bust a move.

13. I’ve been here before trying to put my feelings into words, it just doesn’t work

14. The question asked in order to save her life or take it

15. I’m born, I’m alive, I breathe

16. Hunting is going on, we are a part of the wilderness

17. Bursting through the fire of empty, fatal warrior, battles are raging

18. All you sailors old or young come light the guns on everyone.

19. Years ago a future was laid before me and I took the task and ran with it

20. I will give you all my worship, I will give you all my praise

21. Looking at a grey sky blue sky is coming.

22. Come and listen, brave and tall, The greatest tale I have to tell you, It was a bleak and barren moor.

23. Instrumental – Shine by The Album Leaf, from Into the Blue Again (2006)

24. Guess what I’m done writing your songs, you’ll give up your job at the bank

25. This place rings with echoes of lives once lived that now are lost

26. I fly, I soar, this I adore

27. Off to the land of sleepy time I go, I’m going to take my shoes off at the door

28. When faith alone is not enough to keep our heads barely above we look for reason and come up empty handed

29. I have, I have you breathing down me neck, breathing down my neck, I don’t what you expect under this condition

30. I’m in the business of misery let’s take it from the top

Zatoichi

Just watched it, and I must say that I feel I have found a new film for my mental-list of favourite films!

Words just do not describe the awesome quality of the film.

Moments of great importance.

There come times in all our lives when we begin to make very large decisions. I am at one of those points, the great crossroads on the old adage of life's journey.

I tell you this as I am asking for people to pray for wisdom for me, and for courage. I won't, however, talk of the details with very many people. In fact the number of people will most likely number on a single hand.

At some time soon I may discuss in more detail the whole topic of taking the courageous decisions, or even just about the times when great matter present themselves, but for now I shall remain silent on the matter as I need an earlier night than usual.

Good night.

Christians annoy me.

Not all of them, and not just Christians exclusively, just to get that straight.

Well, to the point.

I was sat in church this evening, first time I've been in like 3 weeks, and we were looking at Acts 2 v42-47, subtitled 'The Fellowship of Believers'. Aside from the obvious parodies of certain Hobbit-filled texts, we were looking specifically at the idea of fellowship, community, and 'breaking bread' or communion.

The traditional approach from not only the very traditional churches with pews, but also of many other churches too, is that people quietly sit waiting for the bread, then the wine, all the while trying to appear holier than thou just in case anyone notices. I'm sure it works for some people, but I personally find it tedious, and just a little bit annoying.

What is written in the bible sounds to me rather far flung from the church ordeal, as it reads in an English Standard Version of the bible;

42And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

To me, that does not sound like the picture I'm being presented in church, and I'm feeling a little cheated. From what is written there this whole idea of breaking bread revolves around the fellowship, fellowship being defined as;
# A company of people that shares the same interest or aim.
# A feeling of friendship, relatedness or connection between people.
And that fellowship involving eating and drinking together, as happened in the Last Supper of the 4 Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John), and yes reflecting on God's grace, and the sacrifice that Jesus made, but in a sociable manner, with a feeling of friendship. Why does communion have to follow a deathly boring liturgy? Why does it have to be done in silence? Or with background noise from the worship group? Why can't non-Christians join in? Can not a group of friends eating together, sharing their lives, and experiences of God with each other be classed as communion? Is that model not truer to the biblical sense of breaking bread featured in Acts?

Am I saying do away with the liturgical form of communion? Not necessarily, but I am saying that churches need to wake up.

How would people react to a flash mob style communion in a vastly public area, people coming together and sharing life, bread, and a drink? Not necessarily alcoholic in fact most likely not as that may be illegal.

Does the communion even have to be bread and wine/wine-substitute? Can it not be something else staple to society's diet? Pizza and a can of coke maybe? Rice and water? Anything like that.

Why should we conform any longer to a pattern set in a world far outdated, and obviously not working?


I pray that has given you something to consider,
Peace, and God bless.

Something not naff.

I heard from mi'Mam today. got an email from NZ finally!

It's nice to hear how things are going, and it's nice for me to feel that way about it. I'm going to email her back tonight before I get down to work. I can't wait until I get to go out and visit.

Mam moved out to New Zealand with her husband Neil in January to an area called Thames, it's north island at the south end of the Coromandel Peninsula, east of Auckland. Mam was telling me that they live within walking distance of some of the best beaches on the north island, and it's a surfer's haven. I'm hoping to spend some time there in Winter this year.

Let me tell you, the fact that my mum lives on the opposite corner of the globe to me isn't the strangest part of this whole affair, it's the fact that I'm not feeling angry, I'm not mad at her anymore. This Christmas, before she moved to NZ, a lot of things were worked out between me and Mam and I'm glad it happened when it did.

Hallelujah.

Those songs.

The music I've been listening to are the following albums;

Coffey Anderson - Worship Unplugged, Vol 1
and,
Jeremy Camp - Live and Unplugged

The songs that rubbed in particular were;

Stay
Well I can feel it in my soul,
The more you reason, the more you've shown He's there,
I can see the only way of falling down,
When your looking everywhere,
So far from this, you can live,
So far from this,

Well, Come On Now, Stay
Right here in the light,
So that you won't walk away, away (yeah)
Well, come on now, Stay
Right here in the light,
Throw your burdens all away, away (yeah)
Throw your burdens all away

Well, the thought of wandering down,
On this place of open road,
You speak the very part,
Though your actions always show,
How easily you sway,
But easily He takes,
All those heartfelt cries,
Broken pride, and walks along this hill,
Not far away,
So far from this you can live, So far from this

Well, Come On Now, Stay
Right here in the light,
So that you wont walk away, away, (yeah)
Well come on now, Stay
Right here in the light,
Throw your burdens all away, away (yeah)
Throw your burdens all away

Well, can you feel those arms around you
Well, can you see this place surround you
Well, can you hear the people calling ?
Well, I can see your fear

and
I Still Believe
Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now, that I feel, your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness
I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know that you are near

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Concerning last night.

Well, I wrote, incredibly briefly, about how my temper has been concerning me recently. I';ve been losing my temper at too much, at nothing, and not at things I should. Just getting angry. Later last night/this morning, depending on how you view 2/3am, things got a little weird.

I'd gotten myself into bed, had my 'Easy Stuff' list playing on the computer as on the whole it helps me sleep, actually thinking of that I do need to make some alterations to that list. My temper hadn't cooled, and wasn't showing any signs of doing so, in fact I was getting more wound up, and moving into my 'I really want to smash things' stage. I started crying out to God, and to Jesus, just crying for them to do something because I had no idea what was going on, no idea why I was so angry, no idea what I was angry with. I was just burning with a rage. I thrashed about a bit, hit wall a few times, neither helped. I wanted to scream, but Tom was sleeping, and it isn't fair that he suffers on my account.

I started to panic as recognition hit me, I was repeating the early stages of my breakdown York. I cried out all the more intensely begging, pleading, for God to not let me mad again, to just give me sleep. I had to keep my hands away from me as I had gained a suspicious grip on my hair and didn't want to start pulling any out. Okay, so this stuff isn't particularly new for me, and in a respect neither is this next part. This is the weird stuff mentioned earlier.

I've alwasy believed that I harbour demons in my spirit because of some unsavoury behaviour in times past, and have in truth been face to face with such a demon before, once again during my vulnerability in York, and I believe that last night I was confronted with another. A shadow crossed my room, in human form, featureless, but vaguely human in shape, and stood watching me, moving and watching, always watching. I became depserate, feeling abandoned by God, feeling terrified. I just kept crying out, even in my hopelessness, and to my shame it wasn't because I believed it would work, it was because I didn't feel there was anything else to do. The shadow melted but I didn't feel anything, and I was still scared.

I don't remember much after that, I was just crying just wanting to sleep. I remember my eyes getting heavy as all the emotion just wore me out, and I think I slept as I woke up this morning. Thus I sit here writing on last night, and the music I've chosen to play just feels like I'm rubbing salt in my wounds as I want so desperately to feel like I did, knowing without a shadow that God is there for me, but I can't convince myself that I do. I want to be able to believe I can get through this course, that I won't let everyone who is counting on me down, but once again I can't convince myself that. Last night was a little too real, a little too close home.

I feel like I'm losing myself again. I feel as though those demons are still there waiting. I feel useless. I feel as though I'm losing my faith, and it bloody hurts.

I don't know where this is going anymore.
Laters.

Hmm...

I'm somewhat concerned about by temper.

A little exercise.

Look up...
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Look down..
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Look right..
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Look left..
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Now go outside and do the same.


In everything there is beauty,
but take yourself outside once in a while, and enjoy yourself.
Go hug a tree. Throw stones in a pond. Jump in a puddle.

Be a kid.

Jesus had a lot to say about children, Matthew 18, Mark 10, Luke 18 as examples, they take simple joy out of the world. People over-complicate life, remove that joy.

Never lose your joy in this world, never let anyone take that freedom from you. Fight for joy, and for freedom. Fight to be children, for we are children of God. Fight with your very life.

For me fight not for glory, nor riches, nor honours, but for freedom alone, which no good man gives up except with his life

God bless.

Time to face the music.

I've been running from this for nigh on 10 years now, but after my three-way meeting with my fieldwork tutor and line manager it has been decided that I'm to undergo counselling.

Certain issues were raised in the meeting, and certain ones were kind of blurted out. They are issues I need to deal with, and will hopefully get dealt with through this counselling, but part of me just wants to run and hide, no surprise then that one of the aforementioned issues is avoidance. Others include dealing with emotional stress constructively, and also working through this shadow that's sat over me since my breakdown in 2006 which resulted in me dropping out of university in York.

As for the nigh on a decade stuff, well, I was first offered to go through counselling when I was like 13 or 14, I don't really remember now, to deal with depression, aggression, and sociopathic tendancies. Being the little ball of crazy I was back then I colourfully told them were to stuff their counselling and have avoided the issue every time it has been raised since.

Well, grab the bull by the horns and all that jazz.

Here we go.

Not much to say on this at the minute.

I was just sending a message and found something quite amusing.

I have recently been using predictive text to type my messages, as now I have the general hang of it it has indeed become easier, and was aiming for the word 'fancied' the buttons for which being 3262433. Now, what amused me was the word that came up instead as a first choice, 'damaged', and it got me thinking...

...Ooh, I left this on whilst I got distracted, I can't remember what it was that I was thinking. Never mind.

God bless.

Crunch point.

Crisis of faith is a term commonly applied to periods of intense doubt and internal conflict about one's preconceived beliefs or life decisions.

That sounds about right for me. So, what I am going through right now is called a crisis of faith. This isn't the first time I've been in this situation, far from it, however this time feels much stronger than others gone before. There is a certain complexity to almost complete collapse of faith, in ones self, the system, others, and God, and it is freaking lonely.

Okay, to explain, the basic reasoning behind this is I am once again questioning the wisdom in my decision to be studying a degree at a biblical college on such an unusual course, working for my employers, and even working in the particular sector that I am. I don't want to be doing youth work right now, I don't actually want to be doing it at all, a great part of me wants to be working a regular 9-5 (or equivalent) job without the worries of a degree on top of it. Welcome to the iceberg, next stop, the tip.

Going a bit deeper and we get to a loss of faith in other people, God, and the system. Now, what I mean by system is well, I'm not sure, as I felt it was the college support system, then upon further inspection I realise that the only reason it isn't working is because I'm not using it, wa-hey I am officially rubbish. My faith is God is feeling a tad broken. I just don't think I believe God even cares about anything other than himself, I feel that God is essentially a selfish child who does everything only so he can look better. I can't reconcile the fact that, taking the bible as a written story of God and man's relationship, God created certain people, and peoples, specifically for the purpose of being damned in the end. All of human endeavour inevitably, according to what is written in the bible, is predetermined meaning that the likes of Judas Iscariot, and the Canaanites were created solely to be damned or destroyed. How can that be seen as a loving God, especially when the only reason people seem to give is "It's for the greater Glory of God" and the, once again according to the bible, end result is the complete and eternal worship of God. To me that sounds pretty selfish. When it comes to other people, it's more to do with prayer I suppose, or it could be in my own issues with trusting people as I feel completely alone and the thought of people praying for me doesn't exactly comfort me. I don't know if it really works. If the way to test is to pray and see if something happens, then isn't it equal to say that if you pray and something doesn't happen then it's false?

I don't want to be here.